2020 has been a revelatory year for most people, considering the global pandemic that we’re all living amidst. And personally, it has been a year with periods of immense self-reflection, depression, gratitude and existential dread. And its easy to see how all these are connected.
And in observing the self, it has become apparent that I have lost the ability to use the spoken or the written language to communicate my thoughts. In growing up, I had quickly gone from feeling liberated by writing to becoming sensitive to judgement and thereby completely losing my voice. And without a voice, its hard to feel useful and like you have a purpose. Because you see, the voice in any form it may be, is a medium for self expression and without self expression we’d be living empty lives.
And that’s exactly what this year has made me realize, that I have been feeling rather empty. And despite having a meaningful job, good income, supportive family and friends, I didn’t feel complete. And this is because I didn’t have a way to channel my self expression. And from my not-so-extensive Google research, I have come to realize that self expression is not something that many culture encourage you to indulge in. And given my somewhat traditional upbringing and my personal journey in the direction of individualism I realize that I am sort of stuck in this place of needing and seeking ways to express myself but not having the right tools to do so. And this medium post, amongst other things is an attempt to get better at expressing myself.
While 2020 has been a rather chaotic year for most, my privilege allowed for it to be a contemplative year where by I could disconnect from the world and technology and think deeply about the meaning of life and my goals and motivations. And not to say that I have found the answers, but the time that I spent disconnected from the noise also proved to be the time when I felt balanced. And while I stayed disconnected, I still consumed information but made intentional choices about consuming wholesome content and gave myself the time to reflect on what I consumed. This is something that I think I had forgotten how to do and while I can’t speak for the rest of the world — it is safe to say that for me to live a wholesome life, I need to indulge in wholesome things. And document my thoughts, reactions and impressions of the things I consume. Because the content I consume very quickly trickles away if I don’t talk or write or think about it deeply and ask questions.
And this is going to be my exercise, to increase self expression. To read, watch, listen to content and then write about it. So that there is an archive of all that was seen and heard and read and how that was interpreted and how it made me feel.